Before I Met Her

“What’s the purpose of your visit,” asks an unsmiling Caucasian officer from behind the glass.

It has been a long flight, and most of the passengers around me look visibly tired. I, on the other hand, have birds in my stomach. Its a new country out there; its a long-awaited holiday for me; and most important of all, its the first time I am going to meet her. But I also have a liability to look calm, and non-stupid in this new place.

“Meeting my girlfriend,” I reply to the stern officer.

He was not expecting this answer, and I try to keep an innocent face to lower down my frankness. I think to myself if he can actually deport me back to New Delhi for proclaiming my romantic adventure. An Indian immigration officer would have taken offense. ‘Its still better than saying to meet the President of Armenia,’ I think to myself, ‘and I am not even a Khan.’

“Welcome to Hayastan,” the officer says to me, creating a rhyme with my inside-out-conversations – Khan-Hayastan. He ink-punch my passport with his best ability, confirming – that for the next 11 days – I am legally entitled to date her. I should really hug this officer for amplifying my excitement.

I manage to stick to a “Thank you” as I go past that metal door. ‘But what the hell Hayastan is? Have I boarded a wrong bus, airbus? Is this even a right country?’

There is a stream of thoughts that flows inside my mind. Starting from the day I got introduced to her, to the day we became friends, to the day we e-kissed, to the day we fell in love, to the day I decided to save money to visit her, to the day I did save enough, to the day I bought my airline tickets, to the day my Visa got approved, and to this very day when I am just minutes away from seeing her for the first time without needing a computer screen. This stream must freeze the moment I see her. I’m getting prepared.

The luggage finds me easily; arrows guide me like friends; people clear my ways; and all the borders break loose while I step into Armenia. My eyes search through walking silhouettes, looking for her. But they don’t find her. ‘She must be around’, I repeat in my head several times. But she is nowhere to be seen.

“Where are you M?”

And I get a lump in my throat.

To be continued…..

An Abandoned Soul

Posted: March 17, 2016 in Loud Echoes
Tags: , , ,

La-Familia-The-Circle-of-Love-Orlando

It all started with nothing, and it all ended with nothing. It was like a circle I was walking in, so contained with the paths, I never understood there were no destinations. I was stuck such happily I forgot to cry. It was the best chaos of my life — this love I had.

It wanted me to escape, but I never planned to come out. There were door opens, but I didn’t wish to leave the darkness behind. Even if I could have stepped outside — into a newer world — I would not have managed to grasp the reality of it, for I believed in the virtuality; for my heart is blindfolded by the sheer peace a void brings. I kept walking in its circles, and I forgot what I didn’t remember.

I had closed my eyes for too long, I couldn’t face the wraths of lights. I kept holding to myself and this feeling – this love I had.

And one day, it forced me out in the wild. I kept crying but it didn’t take me back. I screamed and it didn’t listen. I hurt myself and it didn’t care. It wanted me to disappear, like I never mattered enough.

I waited for the doors to open, but it never happened. My love had abandoned me, but I couldn’t. I started moving in the same circles again, just this time outside the wall.

Now I am tired, but love doesn’t let me in. I am going to collapse, but it still doesn’t want me.

[The letter appears in a story I have been writing from years]

Love,

As I write this letter, I had already spent a long night mourning over your sudden departure from my life. Despite of what happened in recent days, I still long to see you somewhere in my sorry existence. I am being a careless optimist who believes everything will turn out to be all right because you will want me back.

But the more I try to believe this far-stretched fantasy, the better I understand its impracticality. A stable fragment of my mind and soul tells me that you will never knock the doors of my life. This is the reality I will have to wake up to – sooner or later. I still cannot stop looking over my shoulders; and I cannot look ahead to a life that doesn’t have you – a person I truly love.

I still am not able to grasp what made you drift away. We had fallouts on occasions but we always found our ways back to each other. We were a wispy couple I agree, but we were also there for each other in both good and bad times.

I still remember the day we started as friends. How I was this overly-sarcastic jerk, and you were an equally delicate snob. We were strange, but we were meant to be with each other. I had this realization from the very start and that was the only reason I first resisted from starting a long distance relationship. But you were persuaded by your utmost romanticism that this relationship will work. It is you who I believed after our minor fallouts. I believed you were right all this time, and vowed never to let you go again. I wanted to love you with all my dedication, and you loved me equally.

I left a stable job to find an unstable one that offered more money, only because I wanted to meet you. And as I did, believe me, it was the most wonderful days of my life. Every love song used to make sense; every tragedy used to make me cry; the stars and moons were looking beautiful; and even eggplants started to taste good.

I turned into this great person with you, who was always happy and joyful. It was only because of you I came out of a life which I used to despise. I was being loved by a wonderful and great human being, what else could I want from this life. I thanked God every night and prayed for your well being.

Remember those late afternoon meals, those countryside trips, those cheese toasts, butter chicken dinners, those kisses, that Karma restaurant incident, the comfort we felt in each others’ arms, the ma ka shit joke.

But it has all changed right? You gradually reduced speaking to me while I was back home. You gave me some really indigestible reasons for acting strange, but you never told me why you were falling out of love with me. After all these years, I at least deserved a courtesy of being told truth. But you never have any words to explain why you left me all of a sudden. In fact, you never even cared to pick my calls all this time. It’s like you were forcing me into breaking up with you to avoid carrying the blame of destroying this relationship.

How am I suppose to move on while carrying some half-baked theories? How will I know what exactly destroyed our love? How could you leave me all alone to deal with this depression? How could you be so cold and heartless to a person who hugged you to sleep, wiped your tears and changed his life upside down every time just to meet you? Why am I asking so many questions?

Perhaps, I am just being very mean while loading all the blames on your shoulders. Perhaps, there were circumstances you couldn’t ignore, which ultimately parted our ways. But I wish you could have told me these circumstances. I wish you could tell me the truth, even if it has to do with meeting another man. What could I do but to understand you, and still love you whole-heartedly? Like I don’t understand you now, but still love you more than my life.

Perhaps like you, I am also a victim of my own circumstances. And it seems we both won’t be able to come out of it. I just have one request though – whatever happens, just don’t forget the times we had together as a crazy couple. I will not be able to forget any one of them. These memories will always stay around me for the rest of my life.

Thanks for making me a part of your life. I lived with you, and I hope to die while thinking of the beautiful moments we had.

Yours,

No One

Me, Myself and Yashu

Writing a blog seems more like a way to interact with yourself. When I created ‘lafzbook’, my only focus was to promote my creative contents. It was way back in 2012 when I was just finishing my graduation. I was just a simple boy with so many dreams, something that couldn’t even fit a single lifetime. But I was there, an individual with dedication, supported by a 1MBPS connection and an old computer.

I always wished to write; I still do. But ever since graduation, I couldn’t write a single word that could hold my own attention. The hardships of real world was taking over my conscience. There were projects, but no exercises; deadlines but no goals; and there was me, fulfilling them all, like a machine, while losing my creativity like a dysfunctional tap losing water, bit-by-bit.

But finally, I am planning to leave that life behind. I am hoping to come out of my writing block; I am just that same old boy who had dreams “that couldn’t even fit a single lifetime.” I am finally beginning to interact with myself. I would like to invite you all to this journey of mine.

Its time I find myself, and an audience. 🙂

About two lovers who had to part their ways after walking few beautiful miles. 

Kitne dino tak saath chale,
haatho me lekar haath chale,
shaam sehar din raat chale,
par lagta bin baat chale..

Jab jana iss dagar mujhe,
jab jana uss dagar tujhe,
raahe takraayengi fir nahi,
to fir kyu sang chale,
to fir kyu sang chale…

Ha main dekhunga mud mud ke,
kya tum mudogi kabhi,
Pal pal ladunga khud se he main,
kya tum ladogi kabhi,
yaado ko teri pehnoonga main,
aakho se lekar dil me kahi,
tujhse he baate karta rahoonga,
to kya hua tu nahi kahi…

kya tum bhi karogi yahi, nahi…

to fir kyu sang chale,
ha fir kyu sang chale,
raahe takraayengi fir nahi,
to fir kyu sang chale.

Ugly Perfectly Demonstrates the Concept of Inner Demons

In one of the most riveting scene from the movie, we see a father struggling to cope up with the kidnap of his daughter, while trying to file a complaint with the help of a ruthless policeman who is more interested in knowing how caller ID on smartphones displays the picture of a person calling.

In this 10-minute pitch-perfect sequence and many that follows later, director Anurag Kashyap perfectly captures the horrors of Ugly – a nail-biting tale about men’s inner demons.

We see this dark world through the deeds of too-many monsters – a failed actor (Rahul Bhatt) whose viciousness cost him his family, his suicidal and alcoholic ex-wife (Tejaswini Kolhapure) who spends most of her time at home watching TV and blaming her past, her aggressive husband (Ronit Roy) who leaves no-stone-unturned in making her life hell, and the centroid of their relationship – a blotted out, stubborn little girl – who gets kidnapped in daylight on one ill-fated day.

Adding further to the proceedings is a mischievous casting director (Vineet Kumar), an iPhone-loving crook (Sidhhant Kapoor), an opportunistic actress (Surveen Chawla), and none the less, the very same thaanedar (Girish Kulkarni)  I discussed above.

Kashyap places all these scoundrels in a glass and shakes out a plot of lies, murder and betrayal. Not for a moment you feel like shifting your eyes as you dwell into their horrors. This cocktail looks “Ugly”, but yet remains a thing to sight for.

And indeed, you expect it from the cinema of Kashyap. You want horribleness, and he delivers you right on your platter. In the meantime, he makes you smile in portions where you would be screaming in disgust. You simply experience the beast in each frame he designs for you, filled with dark setups, foul-mouthed discussions, spine-chilling background scores, black humors and some hell-of-a-realistic performances.

Ugly literally shines by taking credits for its impeccable darkness. Kudos to Kashyap who delivers yet another masterpiece. It might get unnoticed, doesn’t mean it is unnoticeable. If you are wondering to take a break from regular popcorn flicks, a good way to spend your money this week is by watching Ugly. This one is here to stay.

Rating: 4/5

When saddi Delhi Metro announced two extra coaches especially for women, I saw the capital’s feminine heaving a sigh of relief. Many male commuters used to offer their ‘rape at first sight’ services. Women also complained about manhandling during entry or exit. In my fading memory, I remember that one woman actually cried because some unknown person has reached to her private parts in an overcrowded journey.

I remember the reaction of that lady. It was heart breaking, sad and most importantly penitent. While most of the bravepeople around her tried to comfort her. Overtaking the situation, they shouted out crazy slang to kill that bastard who did such an awful thing.

What I did? I smiled embarrassingly to the whole scenario. For most of us, it was an entertainment of a helpless woman and her struggle in this mean and rogue world. My headphones shuffled to Smack That and I moved on with a thought. Later Delhi Metro introduced the new branded under quota coaches. Problem Solved? Isn’t it? My thought collapsed.

Most of the time I went through the meaning of discrimination based on castes, colour, creed, religion, gender. But what I always observed that the one have faced discrimination turns out to be the biggest discriminator. How? Like we Indians. We have been subjected to our core that we have faced more racial discrimination than any breed that has faced one. But the truth is, we have turned out to be the biggest discriminator. Watch Swades, it tells a lot about it.

Likewise gender discrimination, women have faced a thousand ton of discrimination by their opposite sex. It has been going on since so called human understood that breasts and vagina can create wars, so they need to be kept under a heavy surveillance. Time moved on, gender discrimination too. Now the victim is oppressing the rogue. Their weapons are their impotency to handle men. Why? Because men are not helpless like women, they are strong and brave which is by the way, the biggest lie I have ever heard.

Women, I hope I am not being rude and I understand that war of sexes have no end. This is no war also. I am not trying to suppress my thought of calling you weak. I am just trying to show you that how men are considering you weak, because you yourself have gone to such level of penitence. You talk about empowerment, but you also ask for special allocations. How can we talk about equality if one is trying to defeat other?

I understand the discrimination you face at job, family, or anywhere you go but you must understand that you can’t seek an answer depending on higher authorities. You are an answer to your own miseries. If you let men tell you what to do then you turn out to be a part of that disastrous legacy of discrimination. Be stubborn, dogged, strong minded and braved. Wear anything you like, say anything you like to say and most importantly, feel equal, and ask for equality not special facilities. Give back those train coaches and other quotas, face and break the wrongdoers.

Like that woman in Delhi Metro who found her solace in crying off her tears rather than break those hands that touched her. If a man tries to save you, he involuntarily proved that he is far better than you. Save yourself, and if you need a hand we are there to help you. But we are not the ones to solve your problems, we are just catalysts to it. We will fight the rogues together. I am also like you, a victim of a bad government, debauched society and discrimination.