Archive for the ‘Loud Echoes’ Category

A Fool’s Sabbatical

Posted: March 24, 2018 in Loud Echoes

How many of us actually treat their lives as movies, where we are the central character and everything is about us? How many of us actually listen to background music as we walk, talk, cry and sleep? How many of us live in an utter fantasy land, created by our own miserable foolishness? I do.

The saddest part is that I acknowledge this foolishness. But, I don’t do anything about it. It is as if my fantasy has overshadowed my reality, and I am being sucked into the world of make-believe conflicts and resolutions. I never realize that this attitude could prove fatal, and could be my shortcut to hell. But hey, I realize that I never realize.

Does that mean I’m mad? Because I’m actually taking the biggest risk of my life by depending on this fantasy I have created. I am moving to a city full of strangers, hoping to come out a routine that is depressing me with each passing day. I am spending a big part of my savings to pay for expensive accommodations. I am preparing to get lonely in a city whose language is alien to me. And I have no concrete plan. Nothing!

Perhaps, that is why, I am just venting my feelings out here – on my blog – where I expect some strangers to validate/invalidate my craziness. I am scared, but its a movie. It has to be all right in the end, right? I should discover something that I was always looking for. I understand its hidden within me. And a new city cannot help me bring it out. But can it open my perspective a little bit? Should I just jump, and expect that I’ll grow wings as I fall into a void of endless ends?

My movie has begun. Don’t watch. I am not sure how’s the genre will turn out to be.



रुक जा हैं क्या हड़बड़ी,
जल्दी हैं क्या उमर हैं पड़ी,
आ बैठ ले घड़ी दो घड़ी,
तेज़ चलके क्या जीत लेंगे|

चुस्की सा ज़िन्दगी को पी,
यह चाय है गरम बड़ी,
आ बैठ ले घड़ी दो घड़ी,
तेज़ चलके क्या जीत लेंगे|

तेरी साँसे फ़ूल रही हैं,
फुर्सतों में हांफ भी ले,
कितना तूने पा के खोया,
फुर्सतों में नाप भी लें,
फुर्सते हसरतें,
हसरतें फुर्सते||

रुक जा हैं क्या हड़बड़ी,
जल्दी हैं क्या उमर हैं पड़ी,
आ बैठ ले घड़ी दो घड़ी,
तेज़ चलके क्या जीत लेंगे|

Cover Image via Tadst

To endure something you didn’t wish for is, life. I never asked to be born, nor did I sign any deal with God for this life. To say the least, I am a product born out of lust, and greed of people who were too worried to let their financial legacy go away to somebody except their own blood.

But I was born anyways, and was brought up in a civil jungle with tender and care. Sometimes, I used to get some beatings as well, for not following laws, or rules. I learned my way as I grew up. I knew when to smile; I knew when not to smile; I restricted my laughs; and I cried alone.


I kept finding myself in the midst of darkness, and I couldn’t escape one bit of it. Until that very day I realised that the very light was inside me. And only I could unleash it from the dungeons people were too afraid to look into.

I unleashed it, and it transformed into, feelings.

The world was a little brighter than before. I started listening to these feelings; did what I actually felt like. But I realised that the more I tried to fulfil my satisfactions, the worse I turned for the environment around me. The environment, still had rules; and it wanted my feelings to return to the very darkness it came from.

I didn’t know who I belonged to exactly: the environment or this voice inside me? Did my feelings hold any value? Was I suppose to only pretend to smile my whole life? Why did the environment, that born and nurtured me, wanted to clip my wings and kept me in its cage?

How was I free, under an open sky? How could I endure something that I didn’t wish for – this life.

Could death be a solution? Or would it be equally daunting as life? Would I meet my feelings in person once I leave the grasp of this environment? Would these feelings embrace me – or my soul?

I now stand in the midst of a reverie. I am escaping the lust I had for darkness, to meet the unknown at the other end of this dimension.

Or would I be born again? Against my own wishes? And will ask the same thing, that I didn’t ask for it? What if I am in a vicious circle I cannot escape?

I need my void so I could slip inside and disappear into it with my light, my feelings, and my love. I need my own environment. That’s my little hope!

Or should I just wake up from this dream?

Before I Met Her

“What’s the purpose of your visit,” asks an unsmiling Caucasian officer from behind the glass.

It has been a long flight, and most of the passengers around me look visibly tired. I, on the other hand, have birds in my stomach. Its a new country out there; its a long-awaited holiday for me; and most important of all, its the first time I am going to meet her. But I also have a liability to look calm, and non-stupid in this new place.

“Meeting my girlfriend,” I reply to the stern officer.

He was not expecting this answer, and I try to keep an innocent face to lower down my frankness. I think to myself if he can actually deport me back to New Delhi for proclaiming my romantic adventure. An Indian immigration officer would have taken offense. ‘Its still better than saying to meet the President of Armenia,’ I think to myself, ‘and I am not even a Khan.’

“Welcome to Hayastan,” the officer says to me, creating a rhyme with my inside-out-conversations – Khan-Hayastan. He ink-punch my passport with his best ability, confirming – that for the next 11 days – I am legally entitled to date her. I should really hug this officer for amplifying my excitement.

I manage to stick to a “Thank you” as I go past that metal door. ‘But what the hell Hayastan is? Have I boarded a wrong bus, airbus? Is this even a right country?’

There is a stream of thoughts that flows inside my mind. Starting from the day I got introduced to her, to the day we became friends, to the day we e-kissed, to the day we fell in love, to the day I decided to save money to visit her, to the day I did save enough, to the day I bought my airline tickets, to the day my Visa got approved, and to this very day when I am just minutes away from seeing her for the first time without needing a computer screen. This stream must freeze the moment I see her. I’m getting prepared.

The luggage finds me easily; arrows guide me like friends; people clear my ways; and all the borders break loose while I step into Armenia. My eyes search through walking silhouettes, looking for her. But they don’t find her. ‘She must be around’, I repeat in my head several times. But she is nowhere to be seen.

“Where are you M?”

And I get a lump in my throat.

To be continued…..

An Abandoned Soul

Posted: March 17, 2016 in Loud Echoes
Tags: , , ,


It all started with nothing, and it all ended with nothing. It was like a circle I was walking in, so contained with the paths, I never understood there were no destinations. I was stuck such happily I forgot to cry. It was the best chaos of my life — this love I had.

It wanted me to escape, but I never planned to come out. There were doors open, but I didn’t wish to leave the darkness behind. Even if I could have stepped outside — into a newer world — I would not have managed to grasp the reality of it, for I believed in the virtuality; for my heart is blindfolded by the sheer peace a void brings. I kept walking in its circles, and I forgot what I didn’t remember.

I had closed my eyes for too long, I couldn’t face the wraths of lights. I kept holding to myself and this feeling – this love I had.

And one day, it forced me out in the wild. I kept crying but it didn’t take me back. I screamed and it didn’t listen. I hurt myself and it didn’t care. It wanted me to disappear, like I never mattered enough.

I waited for the doors to open, but it never happened. My love had abandoned me, but I couldn’t. I started moving in the same circles again, just this time outside the wall.

Now I am tired, but love doesn’t let me in. I am going to collapse, but it still doesn’t want me.

[The letter appears in a story I have been writing from years]


As I write this letter, I had already spent a long night mourning over your sudden departure from my life. Despite of what happened in recent days, I still long to see you somewhere in my sorry existence. I am being a careless optimist who believes everything will turn out to be all right because you will want me back.

But the more I try to believe this far-stretched fantasy, the better I understand its impracticality. A stable fragment of my mind and soul tells me that you will never knock the doors of my life. This is the reality I will have to wake up to – sooner or later. I still cannot stop looking over my shoulders; and I cannot look ahead to a life that doesn’t have you – a person I truly love.

I still am not able to grasp what made you drift away. We had fallouts on occasions but we always found our ways back to each other. We were a wispy couple I agree, but we were also there for each other in both good and bad times.

I still remember the day we started as friends. How I was this overly-sarcastic jerk, and you were an equally delicate snob. We were strange, but we were meant to be with each other. I had this realization from the very start and that was the only reason I first resisted from starting a long distance relationship. But you were persuaded by your utmost romanticism that this relationship will work. It is you who I believed after our minor fallouts. I believed you were right all this time, and vowed never to let you go again. I wanted to love you with all my dedication, and you loved me equally.

I left a stable job to find an unstable one that offered more money, only because I wanted to meet you. And as I did, believe me, it was the most wonderful days of my life. Every love song used to make sense; every tragedy used to make me cry; the stars and moons were looking beautiful; and even eggplants started to taste good.

I turned into this great person with you, who was always happy and joyful. It was only because of you I came out of a life which I used to despise. I was being loved by a wonderful and great human being, what else could I want from this life. I thanked God every night and prayed for your well being.

Remember those late afternoon meals, those countryside trips, those cheese toasts, butter chicken dinners, those kisses, that Karma restaurant incident, the comfort we felt in each others’ arms, the ma ka shit joke.

But it has all changed right? You gradually reduced speaking to me while I was back home. You gave me some really indigestible reasons for acting strange, but you never told me why you were falling out of love with me. After all these years, I at least deserved a courtesy of being told truth. But you never have any words to explain why you left me all of a sudden. In fact, you never even cared to pick my calls all this time. It’s like you were forcing me into breaking up with you to avoid carrying the blame of destroying this relationship.

How am I suppose to move on while carrying some half-baked theories? How will I know what exactly destroyed our love? How could you leave me all alone to deal with this depression? How could you be so cold and heartless to a person who hugged you to sleep, wiped your tears and changed his life upside down every time just to meet you? Why am I asking so many questions?

Perhaps, I am just being very mean while loading all the blames on your shoulders. Perhaps, there were circumstances you couldn’t ignore, which ultimately parted our ways. But I wish you could have told me these circumstances. I wish you could tell me the truth, even if it has to do with meeting another man. What could I do but to understand you, and still love you whole-heartedly? Like I don’t understand you now, but still love you more than my life.

Perhaps like you, I am also a victim of my own circumstances. And it seems we both won’t be able to come out of it. I just have one request though – whatever happens, just don’t forget the times we had together as a crazy couple. I will not be able to forget any one of them. These memories will always stay around me for the rest of my life.

Thanks for making me a part of your life. I lived with you, and I hope to die while thinking of the beautiful moments we had.


No One

Me, Myself and Yashu

Writing a blog seems more like a way to interact with yourself. When I created ‘lafzbook’, my only focus was to promote my creative contents. It was way back in 2012 when I was just finishing my graduation. I was just a simple boy with so many dreams, something that couldn’t even fit a single lifetime. But I was there, an individual with dedication, supported by a 1MBPS connection and an old computer.

I always wished to write; I still do. But ever since graduation, I couldn’t write a single word that could hold my own attention. The hardships of real world was taking over my conscience. There were projects, but no exercises; deadlines but no goals; and there was me, fulfilling them all, like a machine, while losing my creativity like a dysfunctional tap losing water, bit-by-bit.

But finally, I am planning to leave that life behind. I am hoping to come out of my writing block; I am just that same old boy who had dreams “that couldn’t even fit a single lifetime.” I am finally beginning to interact with myself. I would like to invite you all to this journey of mine.

Its time I find myself, and an audience. 🙂